How To Set A Boundary
Setting boundaries is a necessary ingredient for good mental health and for creating healthy relationships. There will come a time in your life when someone puts you in a position where you may not see eye to eye. The conflict can be due to differences of values, expectations, mistreatment, or communication. You will then have an opportunity to set a boundary with the intention of creating a positive healthy relationship.
Signs That You Have Poor Boundaries
Hate letting people down.
Feel guilty when you take care of yourself.
Say “Yes” even when you don’t want to.
Constantly pleasing others.
Your schedule is always full.
Avoid speaking up when your feelings are hurt.
Feel anxious or uncomfortable around certain people.
Have a hard time making decisions.
Boundary Setting Tips
Be clear and concise- You don’t need to over explain yourself. Keep it short and sweet.
Embrace the discomfort- You will likely get anxious or feel uncomfortable when you’re setting a boundary. There’s no way really around it. Just remember that the discomfort won’t last forever. Remind yourself that short term discomfort is worth enduring in order to have a long term healthy relationship.
Establish clear and realistic consequences- Be firm and clear with your conseqience. Ex. “If you raise your voice, I will leave”.
Stay consistent & follow through- If you are inconsistent with your boundaries, people will not respect them knowing that there won’t be consequences.
Go in with love- By going in with love, you’re less likely to be defensive or aggressive. Use the “compliment sandwich”. Start off by mentioning something nice (“compliment”), then insert the boundary (“the hard stuff”) and finish off with another compliment.
Stand your ground- There is a chance there will be some pushback from the person you’re setting a boundary with. Be conscious of them possibly being reactive and trying to convince you otherwise. They may use techniques like guilt tripping, manipulation or hold tabs as a way to protest against your boundary. Stay calm and state that you’ve made up your mind.
Restate your boundary- There may be times that you have to remind others about your boundary. They may forget or push back in hopes you won’t follow through with consequences. The beauty is that restating your boundary will be much easier than your initial boundary setting attempt.
Be patient- Setting boundaries is a skill. There might be slip ups here and there. Also, you don’t have to set a boundary for everything, all the time! Some people may not be able to receive your boundary and you may choose sometimes that it’s not worth setting one. If setting a boundary doesn’t work the first time, you can always try again later. Don’t beat yourself up, It’s a learning process.
Remember, you’re allowed to say “no” sometimes. Saying “no” does not make you selfish or a bad person. Most of the times we avoid setting boundaries because of discomfort or the fear of negative consequences. Often times, our fears are highly exaggerated and the negative consequence is rarely as big as we imagine.
Hope you found this informative and learned a thing or two about setting boundaries :)